This Is Me

I have mental disorders,
I'm smart, not out-of-order,
I'm not comfortable with being my gender,
But, I know I'm not transgender,
I think of my self as gay,
Though I like fictional boys in a similar way,
I'm a bit over-weight,
All I have for it is hate,
I'm a survivor of rape,
I relive it like a memory on tape,
I'm a survivor of abuse,
My lack of trust has a good excuse,
My father is a abusive drunk,
I hope he wraps his car around a tree trunk,
I have a hard time believing god is good sometimes,
Did he cause all this grime?,
I have nightmares every night,
My sleep suffers from the spite,
Sometimes I don't want to eat at all,
It can make me so dizzy I fall,
I tend have no interest in drinking water,
It make my mom angry at her only daughter,
I lost my love in going out outside ever,
But, I love the rainy weather,
Even the smallest things I sometimes just can't do,
The anxiety is thick no matter how much I cut though,
I dream of the anime world,
I can't handle this twisted world that's twirled,
Sometimes though I laugh hard 'til I choke,
But, it kind of feels like a joke,
I smile and I can feel happy,
But, at the same time inside I feel crappy,
I'm afraid of who I am,
I feel like I've been damned,
Everytime I say "I can do this" and "I'm okay", 
My belief in that is somewhat astray,
If you're willing to hold my hand,
Be my friend and understand,
Know that, This is me,
I am loyal and caring,
Creative and somewhat daring,
I will love you as a friend until the very end,
Just know I'm not weak,
Or a complete freak,
This is me.